I Was a Teenaged Reindeer
And wishing you an eco-friendly Christmas
I’ve been Santa, Frosty the Snowman and everybody’s favourite reindeer. Hasn’t everybody? I wrote about my adventures as the Easter Bunny in my book, Free Magic Secrets Revealed, but I left out my other seasonal stories.
I finally shared some of my adventures as a reindeer in a story I wrote for Chicken Soup for the Soul: Christmas in Canada and thought I’d reprint it for you here - along with some of the other Christmassy songs and stories I’ve created over the years.
If you’re looking for the perfect seasonal gift… I hear everybody loves Substack newsletters…
Merry Merriness!
A very Local Anxiety Christmas/Chanukah
I Was a Teenaged Reindeer Some people have skeletons in their closet - I have large, furry, cartoon animals. You see, once upon a time I was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I was also Frosty the Snowman, the Easter Bunny, two different kinds of chicken, a bear, a gorilla and a singing valentine.
There really is a logical explanation for this. Back when I was in university I worked for a company that provided costumed entertainers for special events. Naturally, the gig every costumed character wants is the one with the red suit, white whiskers and big sack of toys. But as a slender 20-year-old Santa was out of the question, and at six- foot-two I was too tall for an elf, so the boss hired me as Frosty. I'd always liked Frosty, I'd probably seen the cartoon a dozen times, but as I slipped into my snowman suit I had this moment of panic when I realized I couldn't remember the song. Naturally, the first thing the children did after I joined their Christmas party was demand the tune.
I asked them to sing it first, but one delightful child declared that if I really was the snowman this was my chance to prove it. "Frosty the Snowman was a really nifty guy. He went out in the freezing cold to search for Christmas pie." And so it went as I created Frosty nonsense verses while the completely unhelpful kids harassed me (one even kicked me in the shins) because I was obviously a fake Frosty. Fortunately, just as I was about to be reduced to slush, Mr. and Mrs. Claus appeared and I was abandoned like yesterday's snow fort.
When I was asked to dress as a reindeer for a shopping mall, I made sure I learned the Rudolph song first. I rehearsed that song so many times I can still sing it in my sleep. And when I arrived at the mall and discovered I wasn't just a reindeer, I was THE reindeer -- complete with a battery operated glowing red schnoz -- I was thrilled.
The other reindeer were cranky (most of the performers didn't like working in malls and weren't crazy about kids) but I was delighted. I was Rudolph and I was going to sing that song until the children couldn't stand it anymore. Then the boss informed me that Santa was in a snit. It seemed the great and wonderful Claus was concerned about being upstaged, so the reindeer were given a directive -- we weren't allowed to talk.
"Can't I at least sing the Rudolph song?" I whimpered.
Nope. At this point I felt like landing a hoof right in Santa's belly so it could get the old jerk to shake like a bowlful of jelly. Ho ho ho my antlers. How was I supposed to entertain the kids while they awaited Santa's arrival if I wasn't allowed to sing my song?
I made my entrance. The children squealed.
I danced and pranced and donnered and blitzened. The kids giggled.
Then a little boy, probably about four-years-old, looked into my big reindeer eyes and asked if he could hug me.
What else could I do? I knelt down and let the tyke hug me and it was the genuine, loving hug of a boy who still believed Santa Claus slid down chimneys.
He looked at me with such wonder in his eyes, such belief, that it's just as well I wasn't allowed to talk because I was so choked up I might have cried instead. Maybe I was too svelte to play Santa, but at that moment I knew why big guys everywhere were delighted to don the red suits and whiskers each Christmas.
Before I could get off my furry knees I was surrounded by other children demanding hugs. Some were utterly convinced I was a magic reindeer, others were pretty sure I wasn't, but weren't prepared to take the chance just in case I had some pull when the big guy sat down to work on the naughty and nice list.
Then my boss came over and whispered into my reindeer ear that hugging the kids was out. Apparently Santa felt I was getting too much attention. Because I couldn't talk, I couldn't argue. This was obviously the end of my reindeer games. But just as I was about to get up, the mall manager came over to talk to my boss. "That reindeer's great," he said. "The parents love him."
So my boss muttered to me to keep up the good work and then ordered the other reindeer to let the kids hug them too.
Santa was still the star, but at least Rudolph gave some of the kids a moment of magic.
From a retired Reindeer --Merry Christmas.
In 2013, I was invited to talk about my reindeer games for the special Christmas edition of the fantastic Vancouver story-telling series, The Flame. This includes a few other details. Merry Merriness.
And here’s a Christmas song/music video from my comedy duo Local Anxiety.
I’m not sure when/why I decided that my future wife, Rayne Benu, would be the perfect on-screen wife for my longtime comedy partner, Kevin Crofton, but I loved the image. So… I cast them as a couple for several videos, starting with this one where they played the parents of an aspiring young eco-activist (aka my niece Emma). And after playing Rudolph (see above) and the Easter Bunny (ditto) I finally popped on the iconic red suit and appeared as Santa.
For more Local Anxiety - including a few other Christmas tunes - here we are on Spotify.
And if you’re looking for orcas for the holidays be sure to visit the Skaana Substack.
